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Today has been pretty horrible. Anthony’s job is under threat. For regular readers of my blog you will know he was out of work for over 18mths until September. To say this is bad news is an understatement.

A wise friend of mine told me this: “Try to concentrate on what you want rather than what you don’t want!”.

On the same thinking this evening we have talked about the plus sides of being out of work.

• Anthony will be here to help me with Katie when she is being difficult
• We will be able to go out for some nice walks
• We might not have much money at Christmas but have the chance of being together as a family
• I will be able to go to church again on a Sunday as the time as a family won’t be so precious

If Anthony does keep his job he will probably look for alternative employment anyway. It will buy him some time so he wont be out of work. We have thought about offering to take the lease of the premises but that is something that needs very careful consideration. For it to work he would have to start from scratch with new staff.

Today I am thankful for:

• My family who have been so so supportive today. My sister has offered some ad hoc work for Anthony
• My friends who have tried to take my mind off things and offered hugs
• Katie who has been a little star today. When I cried she said “Mummy doin’ cryin’. Love you mummy”
• Robyn who has made me proud by learning all her lines for the school play
• Anthony who is my rock. Together we will face anything that is thrown at us

“…All shall be well and all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well”: Julian of Norwich

Today is Advent Sunday. I had to explain to Robyn this week that Advent Sunday isn’t necessarily the day we open the 1st door on our Advent calendars. I expected her to be disappointed but instead she was excited about lighting the 1st Advent candle at church and began talking about counting down the Sundays until Christmas.

This afternoon we went to an Advent service at church. It was lovely. There were lots of candles lit and while people were waiting for the service to start you could hear them all talking about Christmas preparations. Someone behind me said she still had lots of shopping to do and somebody else was talking about their Christmas traditions. There was a real buzz about the place. Full of excitement and joy.

I got thinking about the floods appeal that has been launched. Our church was open all last week for people to bring blankets, clothes, towels etc which will be distributed to the people in Cumbria.

Here I was sitting in church excited about the start of Advent, full of anticipation about the exciting times that lay ahead of us in December with Katie’s 3rd birthday and of course Christmas and not far from us there are people whose lives have been devastated by floods. I told Robyn how I was feeling and she had tears in her eyes. She said ”I might have some old toys that other children could have”. When we got home she went upstairs and brought some things down for me to take to church. Tomorrow I will look through all our clothes. Larger sized clothes are in particular need. I can help out there. There has to be some good points to being overweight!

So, as Advent begins let us watch and wait. Let us look forward and believe. But also let us remember and think about people who need our help, and never ever underestimate children.

Robyn has learned today that a lit candle is just as exciting as a piece of Advent calendar chocolate and will have helped some children get some toys back.

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Right, I need to get back to blogging. Yes. I will try my very best, starting now.

In a day that is easy to remember negatives I need to jot down a few positives. The things that have made me happy today are:

• Getting an email back from the local newspaper to say they are considering using one of my photographs from an event in town at the weekend.
• Spending time with my 11yr old nephew and teaching him how to use my camera. Seeing his excitement as he took some lovely photographs.
• Hearing Katies portage worker tell me I am a good mum despite Katie being difficult.
• Spending time with my mum, dad and sister. I am lucky to have them.
• My husband being so unbelievably thoughtful and sensitive.
• The lovely cuddle I got from Robyn.

For now I will forget the tears I have shed today. They are gone. Tomorrow is a new day.

Yet again I have copied this from an internet forum where I have lots of wonderful, supportive friends. I need to document the progress that is being made with Katie and it might be of interest to others.

Today was pretty horrendous

It started with attempting to get her to playgroup this morning. She screamed as soon as we went out of the door and I had to carry her the whole way there kicking and screaming.
When we got there her keyworker had to peel her off my leg. I left to come home again in tears.

When I picked her up she did the same thing the whole way home. Got indoors and she threw juice all over my OU course notes, kicked me, spat at me, pinched me and threw anything she could get hold of.
I put her in her bedroom for 5mins to calm us both down as by this point I was in tears and totally losing my rag with her.

Janice, our portage worker, came round just as she was calming down and played some games with her before working with me to do a general assessment of her. It’s totally all over the place. On some sections of the forms she is quite advanced for her age, on others she is very immature. There was no one area of learning that is “conclusive” on what needs working on.

Janice said she thinks I have the “patience of a saint”. She said it is clear for her to see I am struggling but she doesnt know what to say to help. She said anything she would normally suggest as a strategy to parents I am already doing.
I told her my worries that people think I’m being melodramatic and attention seeking as they dont see this side to her and she said she totally understands why I feel like that. She reassured me that although to some people I might come across as a “Needy parent” I certainly am not needy for no reason. She said “You are a parent in need of support not because you do things wrong, but because Katie is a very very demanding and difficult child”.

Janice is going into playgroup next Tuesday to speak to the staff and observe her there. At parents evening tonight I had it confirmed that she is good as gold there. Playgroup are really great. Her keyworker loves her to bits (which is a relief, I do worry that people dont like Katie).
If Janice feels that she is fine at playgroup then she will just concentrate on giving support at home. She doesnt quite know what support that will be yet but she is speaking to her manager (the person who came and did the initial home visit) and ensuring that we are not left on our own.

In the mean time I have asked playgroup if there are any more sessions that Katie could do. I want to increase her to 4 full days. I’m feeling a tremendous amount of guilt with this but at the end of the day if she is happy there and not at home then I need to go with it for my sanitys sake!

When Anthony got home from work I escaped to my mum and dads house for 3 hours! I was at the end of my tether with Katie. He fed the girls, tidied up, cooked mine and Anthonys dinner (a yummy beef stroganoff) and then put Katie to bed.

I love that man  

Well done if you have got to the end of this!

Apologies for the quietness around here lately. I’ve lost my mojo. If anyone finds it please point it back in my direction!

I’ve been so unmotivated lately, so fed up and lacking energy. Not tearful, just a bit despondent really. i dont think the weather helps. It’s been very wet and dull here lately. I need a sun burst or something I reckon.

Hopefully I’ll be back soon

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I’ve copied this post from an internet forum where I have many good friends. It basically saves me typing it all out again!

Well the speech therapist & preschool support specialist arrived at 9.30am and were here until 12.40pm! I am exhausted now but Katie is at playgroup for the afternoon and I have a chance to recharge.

In a nutshell… autistic tendancies are not really a concern. She could see where I am coming from and she understands my concerns but she said the behaviour doesnt quite tick all the boxes.

Katie seems to have confused them though. This morning they witnessed perfect behaviour from her aswell as violent and awful behaviour. They kept telling me I’m doing a great job as a parent. The speech therapist said “her good behaviour is down to you… when she is like this she is a credit to you”. They were very impressed with her please and thankyous even when she was being aggressive (!).

They said that she is a very very clever girl. She counted upto 8 while they were here and played some quite complex imaginary games with the speech therapist. They were intrigued to see how she manipulates people to get what she wants. My mental health was addressed in a lovely, sensitive way. It seems some of how Katie behaves is in reaction to me. She knows what buttons to press. She knows how to get a reaction from me and because I struggle to cope with her she behaves better for her daddy.

We looked right back to when she was born, when I was pregnant and before that even. My mini breakdown and the fact that I was on my own with Robyn etc was all spoken about and recorded. It has woken me up a bit and made me realise I need to see a doctor again. I’ve got an appointment on Monday anyway to discuss my PCOS so will talk about mental health issues then.

Katie will be assessed by the speech therapist one more time at playgroup and then she should be discharged. Her speech is now still slightly delayed but there is no cause for concern anymore if she carries on improving at the rate that she is. We are being referred to homestart for some practical help so that I have someone to help me take her out to places. Its more for my confidence than anything else.

Portage services are going to get in touch (although probably not til after Christmas as they are really stretched) and assess her in playgroup and at home. ADHD was mentioned and although she said it takes a long time to get diagnosed, her behaviour (particularly the violent behaviour) and attention skills seem significant enough to raise a concern.

So that’s us. The wider picture is being looked at and that only has to be good for both me and Katie. It seems the problem lies with both of us and we’ll hopefully get the help we need. I’m off to have a big cry now before collecting the girls. This morning has been a huge revelation to me that her behaviour might actually be down to me. They were so lovely… really affirming and not condescending at all. But it all kept coming back that I need to get some help for my mental health and then I’ll have a better coping strategy. That is hard to hear

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